DEAD INSTEAD

I planned birth announcements
I used death notices

I brought dresses and dolls
I used a casket and a plot

I wanted congratulations and baby gifts
I got sympathy cards and flowers

I wanted a beautiful new life
I got ugly death

I wanted a new beginning
I got an old ending

I wanted mornings filled with joy
I got mornings filled with mourning

Barbara A Daniels

Speaking at Sands Conference 2009, by Michele Mill

Recently I was invited to be one of the presenters at Sands National Conference 2009 held at the Waipuna Conference Centre. The theme for the weekend was ‘A little life, not a little loss’. It was an honour to be asked to present and be involved in such an emotional and challenging weekend. Many of the delegates were parents who had experienced a miscarriage, a still born child or a newborn death, and they spent the weekend sharing their positive and negative experiences.

The weekend began with a Sands Remembrance Service and was followed by three streams of sessions. Topics ranged from ‘A History of National Women’s Hospital’ to ‘Am I Still a Mother’ and many others. Sherokee Ilse, a well known speaker from the United States presented on a variety of topics as well as sharing her own personal experiences, whilst Peter Barr from Australia shared his Film ‘Some Babies Die’.

When it came time for me to present, I shared my own experiences as a Funeral Director and entering the industry. I felt that it was important to show that in my role, I attempted to understand what it must be like to have an unexpected bereavement. To show that we do consider a ‘little life’ to be a life, and that we do not treat the family any differently to that of a family who have experienced the loss of a parent. I spoke of how a ‘little loss’ is often a taboo subject and that “one hopes, that today we can say, this used to happen”, however in reality we know that this is often not the case.

I then went on to explain more about the Funeral Director’s role and the many decisions that families have to make in a time when they are least prepared, and often when their minds are cloudy and thoughts unclear. I explained how important time is and that there is no hurry; that families do have the option of taking time to think and make their decisions and that it is really important that they are empowered to do so, for their child. I also discussed the legal requirements and how unrealistic they are, before opening the floor for question time.

The experience was one of many different thoughts and feelings. The weekend was filled with so many thought provoking topics and opened me to a more personal level of grief. Many of the parents were happy to share their experiences, which provided me an opportunity to think about ways in which I can continue to enhance the way I care for the ‘little ones’ that are entrusted to my care. It also reminded me of how important my role is and how I am honoured to be a Funeral Director.

Michele Mill